I used to wear a wig. Sometimes referred to as a “piece” but never anymore as a toupee since that always conjures up those silly images of men having having theirs lifted by a slide trombone or getting dropped into the party punch. The hairpiece of today is quite secure thanks to strong glue and tape. But I must admit to having survived some hairy situations.

No one really plans to go bald. Consequently when the time comes we hairless must resort to wearing the harvested crop of an anonymous donor.

Windy days in Honolulu are a nuisance and it means making a lot of stops to comb and restyle. This is why many men wearing hairpieces are accused of having kidney problems.

Another hazard in the daily routine is the temptation to look at your reflection in every store window as you walk down the street. I bought my first hairpiece in New York and I didn’t have ten minutes when I got tangled up with an organ grinder’s monkey. I was so engrossed in my new image in the windows I failed to notice any obstacles below my knees. I also failed failed to focus on whatever was really behind the glass. I was once accused of flirting with a window washer. I was so involved with tousling with my forelock that I hadn’t noticed that he was making obscene gestures toward me with his squeegee.

There is a period just after acquiring your first hairpiece when you often feel giddy , especially toward strangers. This can really be a problem when traveling and sitting for long periods with total strangers. The temptation is to turn to your seat mate and say, “You may not believe this but but I’m wearing a rug!” Unfortunately what usually happens is that most people don’t consider this as a cosmetic improvement if they’ve never seen you without the wig. Instead they consider this as a confession to an affliction. Like having a glass eye. I remember once mentioning my piece to a fellow traveler after we both had a few drinks. His reaction was wanting to share my confidence by showing me his colostomy bag. I told him I’d take his word for it. Neither of us spoke for the rest of the trip.

So if you’re tired of having people tell you your head would make an excellent temple rubbing for the Phrenology Society, then it’s time you got a wig. It will change your life. You will become more sociable and outgoing. If you are fat you will lose weight. You’ll get a new wardrobe and probably buy a sports car. Statistics show that the next thing you’ll probably get is a divorce.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, May 7th, 2008 at 1:58 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.